


Dating Aliens is Hard and Nobody Understands

by Arathe



Series: 4/13 Drabbles [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Crack, F/M, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:29:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arathe/pseuds/Arathe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and John get together one afternoon to chat about their respective relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dating Aliens is Hard and Nobody Understands

**Author's Note:**

> The last of my 4/13 drabbles! I was encouraged to pick the crackiest ships I could think of, and this was the result.

Dave’s already waiting for you at the bar when you arrive. You slide onto the stool beside him, and he takes one look at you before pressing his scotch into your hand with a greeting of, “Holy shit Egbert, you look like you got hit by a bus.”

You shrug and down the scotch with a grimace. God, that shit is nasty. Dave can make fun all he wants, but at least your ‘fru-fru girly drinks’ actually taste good. You shove the empty glass away and slump over the bar. “Dude, I’m exhausted. Nepeta is _insane._ ”

You aren’t looking at him, but you can practically hear the raised eyebrow when he asks, “Having second thoughts?”

“What? No! She just,” you gesture vaguely, “has some kind of limitless energy source or something. I can’t keep up.” Nepeta is great, she’s adorable and cheerful and you’re pretty sure you love her, but it’s all new and still kind of strange. And then there’s Equius. You slump over again with a sigh. “Equius gave me the ‘you break her heart, I’ll break your legs’ speech today, troll edition.” If you’re being perfectly honest, that dude scares the crap out of you. But he and Nepeta are just about the most stable moirails anyone’s ever seen, so if you want to keep dating her, you’re gonna have to learn how to deal with him.

Bluh.

Dave snickers. “He could probably do it bare-handed,” he says, because yeah, that helps. Thanks Dave. Best bro.

“She introduced me to her shipping wall today,” you say, because you don’t want to talk about Equius and his freakish strength, especially not when it involves theoretical harm to your person.

“Her what?” Dave asks after the bartender comes and goes.

“Shipping wall. Y’know, relationships? She’s got all these possibilities for who might date who in which quadrants, with odds and everything. I’m pretty sure she takes bets. My girlfriend is a shipping bookie.” It’s both hilarious and strange. You pause, then add, “She’s pretty spot-on, too. Do you know she predicted the whole Karkat and Eridan disaster?”

Dave frowned. “You lie. No one saw that coming. And I don’t want to talk about Eridan.”

Oho. “Trouble in paradise?”

Dave sighs as the bartender returns with your tequila sunrise and Dave’s nasty ass-juice. “Eridan’s been hanging around Feferi again, making sad doe eyes at her behind his stupid douchebag glasses.”

You hide a smile behind your drink, because Dave’s kind of hilarious when he gets jealous. “They are friends you know,” you point out reasonably.

Dave stares at you, lifting his shades briefly for maximum incredulous effect. “He _killed_ her.”

You shrug. “Trolls seem to take that sort of thing a little more in stride.” You’d been a little perplexed by the way everyone had dealt with being murdered, but it wasn’t really your place to question. Even if Nepeta was still a little sour with Gamzee, it was more on Equius’ behalf than her own. Trolls, man. “So how are things with Feferi going, anyway?”

“Dude, I am dating a hot alien princess with an ass that won’t quit.”He holds out his hands as though cupping said ass, and you wrinkle your nose.

“You are the epitome of class. It is you.” He starts making little squeezing motions and you punch him in the shoulder. “That’s not what I meant anyway, and you know it. Did you ask her?”

You resist the urge to groan when Dave goes stiff. “Eh, decided against it. She’s busy with all this new democratic council bullshit, and trolls aren’t really the marrying kind anyhow.” 

“Dave, you’re stupid. Stop being stupid.” You two had already been over this, and after deciding that traditional human marriage probably wouldn’t fly with a troll, Dave had decided to ask Feferi to red-marry him. “Stop pussying out and just do it. Feferi thinks you’re the best thing ever and you know it. And hey, if you marry a troll princess, that makes you a prince, right?”

Dave pulled a face. “Ew, no. Dirk can keep his stupid pantaloons. I’ll be her royal consort or some shit. Doesn’t matter, it’s all figurehead bullshit these days anyway.”

“Dave.”

“Sup?”

“DAVE.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Ask your girlfriend to marry you and stop being spineless.” Dave is your best bro and you love him, but you think the guy might have commitment issues.

He purses his lips and taps his fingers. “Yeah, okay.” He hefts his glass, holding it in your direction. “To our respective ladies; may they ever put up with our bullshit.”

You grin and clink your glass against his. You can drink to that.


End file.
